If last week’s art heist at the Everhart had played out on a prime-time crime drama, the culprits would have been caught and convicted within an hour, minus the maddening car insurance and prescription medication commercials.

Because reality is seldom as satisfying as television, we are left with more questions than answers as the search for "Springs Winter," by Jackson Pollock (maybe), and "Le Grande Passion," by Andy Warhol, threatens to extend into a third week.

For starters, we need an impossibly smart, tough and over-the-top lead investigator. While "Gil Grissom," the character played by William Petersen on the original "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," has the sullen stoicism needed for the job, he is also terminally boring. I like Gary Sinise, who plays "Det. Mac Taylor" on "CSI: NY," but his main qualification seems to be slouching around looking constipated.

No, we’re going to model our lead investigator on David Caruso’s "Horatio Caine," who heads the "CSI: Miami" team with all the subtlety of a Viagra commercial and half the entertainment value.

This guy is as over-the-top as it gets. His name is HORATIO CAINE, for pity’s sake. Have you ever met anyone named Horatio? Me neither. In fact, a review of just one of probably hundreds of useless databases maintained by the Social Security Administration reveals that the last time "Horatio" was among the top 1,000 most popular baby names was the 1880s.

"Horatio" placed 858th for the decade, beating out other trendsetters like "Josephus," "Leopold" and (I swear I’m not making this up) "Commodore."

ME: "Don’t threaten me, McBrain. If I stop typing, you cease to exist. Now get in your Hummer and get over to the Everhart. Joe Palumbo, the museum’s spokesman, is waiting for you."

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Times-Tribune recognizes that the thefts at the Everhart are a blow to the museum and the city, and that using this unfortunate incident as the basis for a humor column is, to put it mildly, tasteless and pedestrian. That’s why we had Kelly do it.

The above dramatic exchange was inspired by actual conversations Mr. Palumbo has had with Times-Tribune reporters over the past week. The museum has consistently declined comment, refusing even to authenticate the Pollock painting, which is not listed in the official catalogue of the painter’s work.

To his credit, Mr. Palumbo has been a good sport while toeing the company line. While the title suggests otherwise, the main role of a spokesperson is to keep quiet. Spokespeople are often fired for talking too much.

So where does that leave our imaginary investigation? Well, there are a few things we know. The thief or thieves broke a glass door in the rear of the building, apparently using a tent erected for the annual Everhart Ball as cover. They were in and out quickly, because Scranton police responded within four minutes of receiving a silent alarm.

The museum had surveillance cameras, but they weren’t working. When asked about this alarming development, Everhart board president Jill H. Miller offered a criminally lame excuse.

"The cameras were not working, but the ability to function was there," she said, providing incontrovertible evidence of the need for spokespeople in an imperfect, unforgiving world.

In the fantasy world of "CSI: Scranton," Commodore Algernon McBrain and his team would notice a hunk of shoeleather in the shards of the shattered window. They’d quickly determine that the thief or thieves were wearing expensive Italian shoes.

Then McBrain’s team would deduce that the window was broken with a golf club, which they would later find under a shrub in Nay Aug Park. The club’s head would contain a speck of soil found only in a certain golf course in Southern California. McBrain would notice a vagrant wearing a nice pair of gloves. The vagrant would offer that they were discarded by a large, athletic man in nice shoes who sped away in a white Ford Bronco.

McBrain would then arrest O.J. Simpson, who would be convicted, because as good as the late Johnnie Cochran was, the Constitution prohibits practicing law via Ouija board.

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